Gallery 2 - Slap Happy.

Now beauty may be just skin deep - or in my case about a 1/8th of an inch depending on the size of trowel - so here's my first tip. Ignore the convention about emphasising eyes or lips, not both. Emphasise away sweeties - can't have too much of a good thing! Second tip - you are not stuck with the mouth Mother Nature gave you - what does she know?? You can change the shape and frankly darling, you probably should! Third tip - black is not the only colour for eyeliner & Khol, and a soft smokey look is always better than hard! Finally my TOP TIP is if you are doing this for the camera, don't stint on the slap - too much is NEVER enough!

On the other hand if you are on the pull then a little restraint is wise - you don't want your face to fall off if you just happen to look down at your handsome partner's lap do you!

OK - I admit it, I'm a make-up junky and believe that it's God's way of telling us that ugliness is a sin. I just love the smell, the taste, the feel, the promise of all those tubes and jars. Fact is very few people are blessed with skin like porcelain and the complexion of a dew-fresh peach, but we are programmed to admire this feminine ideal. Hell, it's in our genes, we don't get a choice in the matter - slap ought to be available free on the Health Service. However it isn't, and if a big company markets an anti-ageing cream or foundation that contains 'Beta-PoxyPseudoTwaddle10' and that it was voted most wonderfullest thing ever by a committee no-one has ever heard of - well, I'd buy it anyway. Every time I know I'm going to be disappointed, but hey - I'm investing in hope, just like other people invest in the Lottery. I tell myself that one day I'm sure to find a product that really works, and this could be it.

Of course it isn't, and then I stare into the mirror and think about Poison being injected into my forehead ( shudder ). But - having had a Laboratory training and cursed with an inquisitive mind - I began studying what these creams actually do. And do you know something, 95% of the ingredients don't do anything at all! They might be carriers or colour stabilisers or preservatives or additives that make a cream less greasy, or help the gunk get processed, but basically they just sit on top of your skin and do nothing for it.

There are Lipophillic ( water loving ) compounds that do tighten the skin, but these are not compatible with most foundations, or even the natural secretions our skins need to 'breathe', so only work for a very short time. And there are 'healthy' ingredients that promote a clear complexion but need continuous use over a very long period to have any noticeable effect on lines and texture. Trouble is these two different types of ingredients are fundamentally incompatible, so you cannot use them together. At least, that's the conventional wisdom.

Now I have found a way of extending the life of a Lipophillic agent and combining this with 'healthy' natural herbs and essences. I discovered this quite by accident and won't claim that there is any mind-boggling science behind it, although professionals have confirmed that there is a novel action at work. I've used it for years, and more recently provided samples to friends who complimented my complexion. Wow - I can't keep up with their demands anymore, and it has to be commercial or nothing. So, now you are able to buy my 'NoTox' product.

My guarantee. It's not a panacea for being John Prescott, but it will make you look - and feel - pretty damn good, or I'll give you your money back. Believe me, this one works - check out the un-retouched 'Before and After' photo's and then E-mail me for an order form here for NoTox

Two photo's here.

This is a cottage industry so for the present I don't accept Credit Card payments on-line. There are no security issues and you will not be making a commitment by e-mailing me - just helps me keep this Web-site a manageable size. Simply print out the form I send you and return it by post with your remittance of £23.99 for a 100ml jar inc P&P. UK & Euro Cheques, Postal Orders or International Money Orders are OK, and my bank will also accept direct Transfers from overseas - account details are on the order form. All goods are sent in a plain envelope and orders are normally despatched within 3 days of cheques etc. clearing.

Hiding the Bits & Bobs (or necessity is the mother of invention )

OK - yes, I'm a tranny and no I haven't had the operation, and yes I do have to tuck the dangly bits away thank you very much. When I was new to the scene I followed terrible advice and accomplished this through band-aid or gaffa tape. It's agony to get off, you can't wee in it, and really - putting sticking-plaster over your privates is hardly ladylike or glamorous, is it!

As my experience and determination to pass increased I resorted to ingenious ( but painful ) ribbons and cords tied to my bits, horrible pantie-girdles as sexy as a surgical appliance, and lord knows what. I scoured the globe for good products, and lost count of the times I've been ripped off by 'transforming' companies allegedly 'serving the TV community', including one that sold skate-board knee-pads sewn into briefs! I've purchased elaborate 'Ballet Supports' and 'Theatrical Gaff's that looked like trusses, and bought at HUGE cost the finest latex replica 'Gamiche's that the American and Oriental mind could create. However nothing like this works because the geometry is all wrong. There is still this great bulge - the bits have to be firmly pushed down and back, not squeezed. And Latex is soooo sweaty!

So, I set about designing something that would be comfortable enough to wear for several hours at a stretch, be adjustable to accommodate my yo-yoing waistline, easily removable, sexy to look at and really works.

Which is how the 'NoShow' Gaff was born. It's made from slipper and stretch Satin with lace edging, and available only in Black or White. I make 4 standard sizes and you must have hips larger than your waist if you expect it to fit really well! Sizes are 34-36" ( bitch ), 36-38, 38-40 and heavens, you are a big girl! I won't go into enormous detail here, but the secret is in the adjustable lacing, the alignment of the Satin so that it 'gives' in only the right direction, and the built-in self-adjusting sheath. In operation you simply pull the garment on like a pair of thong briefs, tuck willy into the sheath and then tighten the back lacing. Courage mon brave - it has to be firm, but you can stop when your eyes start to water, and you do get used to it very soon. Voila - a perfect bulge-free silhouette with no turkey peeking out the side.

Two photo's here

Check out the Photo's to see how convincing this is. I can't offer money back on this one for obvious reasons but I know you won't be disappointed. Price is £130 and it's worth every penny. E-mail me here for NoShow for an order form as per NoTox.

GlamourWigs: The Crowning Glory

Strictly speaking these aren't my products at all, but come courtesy of the nicest, most understanding, wise and all-powerful ladies I've ever known - Mary Wilson of Fosters in Streatham, South London .

Fosters are probably the longest-established wig company in the UK , having been founded way back in the 1860's when every wig was hand made on wooden 'forme's'. Today they supply countless numbers of wigs from the most famous companies such as Revlon and Raquel Welch, to private customers, the Theatre, Television and entertainment industries, and inevitably TV and Drag artistes. Below there is a popular selection from the hundreds of styles normally in stock. Click on each image for details of the colour choice and special prices I'm offering, and then follow the same process of E-mailing me here for wigs to obtain an order form.

Space for 8 thumb-nails here?

If you are nervous about buying a Wig 'on the net' then please do ask advice from Mary at Fosters - E-mail her at fostersinfo@yahoo.co.uk and I'm sure she will answer any query.

Alternatively if you can, why not phone for a fitting appointment? Her new premises are at 436 Streatham High Road , London SW16 and her numbers are (44) 0208 674 9953 / 5855, which is also a Fax line.